Thursday, July 03, 2003

 

Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed!

To: All SANLFA Border Posts

Alarum, Alarum.

Do not attempt to stop any approach by a stupidly large battle tank waving a white flag. This is the Hayden Allen Tank formerly TBALC's latest secret weapon to be used against us. It has been daringly stolen by Uber Kommando Koko and his crack squad of attack penguins yesterday evening while the TBALC tank crew were busy arguing about who should decide where they ate dinner.

Koko has informed us that TBALC is in hot pursuit, still arguing over whether they should have Subway or something called 'Souv', but their hunger has slowed them and Koko is attempting to shake them off by driving through a Food Court.

Regardless of pursuit Koko predicts his arrival at SANLFA Border Crossing Alpha Bravo Niner at 0100 hours tomorrow. All Border posts are hereby put on Puce Alert (that's 'Really Sodding High Alert' in the older Dirche System of Coded Alerts for those of you who still haven't read the updated field manual) until stood down.

I expect you all to give your lives for the recovery of this Tank and its valiant captors.

Fight for Llamas, Fascism and a Water Logged Brain.

Maj. Gen Francis Goebells Updike II (Commanding)
213 SANLFA National Guard Division
Voted Student Most Likely To Marry A Llama, Year 13 Class, La Paz High, 1963

Exeunt

1:08 PM

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

 

Wib Wom Wowzaaa Wowzaaa Wowzaaa.

This just in, also possibly out. Nothing to fear but fear (and Tiny Teddies).

Crypt Level: Mother Just Killed a Man. +/- Rainbows.

Recent investigations by myself (to be identified in as follows) have led me to believe that that madman K Gill Esq may have fallen for my cunningly layed trap deployed securely within the confines of the campus of ANU. (Also Esq). I recently recieved word from one of my spies that K Gill was present at the last meeting of the ANU Students' Association. He didn't notice that it was held directly in front of my secret weapon the Hayden Allen Tank. I mean really. How foolish of him. I didn't even have time to secure a codename for the deivce and could only change it from the Allan Tank to the Allen tank. Dunno who Hayden is, possibly one of the sleeper agents within ANU, but I would have though K Gill would have seen through that rather quickly. The weapon has now been armed and will fire upon K Gill the next time he is within range. There can be no escape this time.

Tim "Papa Doc" Dingwall Chief of Devices, Sticks and Playdoh Constructions, Vice-Admiral in charge of formations. Honoured guest at Academy Awards Nine through Ninety.

1:48 AM

Friday, April 11, 2003

 

STBANS EMERGENCY UPDATE
FOR THE EYES OF:
- Brigadier General Sir Ben "doo wah diddy, diddy dum diddy" Allan
FOR THE SUPPLE HANDS OF:
- Real Admiral Nic "Oh! Lass!" Mason
AND FOR THE IMMENSE EGO OF:
- Corporal Robbie "buy us a farm" Williams

Men,

Just thought I'd report in and let you know that the last few months have been a complete arse. Shame really, as it had started so well.

As you know, I picked up my "Foxton Girl Guide's MOST BISCUITS SOLD" award a while back. They splashed out this year and so it was with excitement that I headed off to Madame Tussaud's for my appointment. They turned it around bloody quickly and I picked it up that week. Also in a stroke of luck, I managed to steal one of SANLFA's prize aircraft, the "Fixed-wing ANL Commander" gyrocopter, after luring away the security guard with those secret photos of the Rear Admiral.

So then, blowed if I don't hover the bloody thing over the Twizel cafe and come back to find it completely destroyed. They got my bloody wax model as well! Bastards! I'd gone inside to get my good mate 'Cyb0rtr0nz' to show him the award and he thought I was making the whole thing up. Lack of evidence, apparently. So I shot him and burned his corpse out of spite.

Anyhow, pretty bloody peeved as you can imagine. The only consolation was that I stumbled upon the habitat of what looked like a Gorilla, with a note on the outside saying "On a mission - back soon". So to cheer myself up, I replaced his Jungle Juice with Napalm.

Hope you lads haven't made a fuss with me not reporting in as I'm currently hitch-hiking to Temuka. I've attached this letter to the back of Nick Eynon, who is on another nationwide Rollerblade-athon. Hopefully one of the lads manages to kneecap him and that this letter gets to you.

Out.

Commodore "1982 VH Wagon" Young

5:39 PM

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

 

Super Secret agent Orange trudged disconsolatly away from the fresh grave.

He had arrived in time to see the vapour trail of the RPG fly from the trees and crash into Commodore Young's gyrocopter, engulfing it in a ball of flame and sending it crashing into the unsuspecting internet cafe below.

Orange found it difficult to hold the overwhelming feelings of failure in check as time ticked past and it became safe to move again. Searching the wreckage had been the most difficult thing so far in the agent's stellar career. Yet at the end of the day it had not been his fault, he had recieved word from a SANLFA mole that the attack was due to happen, but was out of radio contact with High Command due to his ultra-deep cover operation against Murray Ainsley. He had had to respond to the threat himself, and he cursed the fact that the only available transport from South America to Twizel had been that Pigmy Rowing Squad he had managed to flag down on the shores of Lake Titicaca.

With only himself to satisfy the funeral service for the noble Commodore was brief, and Orange stopped only to mark the grave with a covert sign which would be recognised by other TBLAC mourners who would no doubt wish to gaze upon the Aviator's final resting place. Taking one last look the Super Secret Agent turned and faded back into the undergrowth....

One thought repeated itself over and over in his head, as he thought of the flash of black fur that he had seen at the base of the vapour trail.....REVENGE.

2:28 PM

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

 

Schiznit kickickickickick phatoooo noonie noonie noonie. Bzzzzt K Foktan ploppy ploppy. Quack. Over.

Incoming Signal. (Main screen turn on and all that) Prepare for communique from the Lord High Muh.

I never touched your daughter sir, er sorry about that. Where was I.

Sad news friends sad sad news.

10:43 PM

Monday, February 24, 2003

 

Crawling beneath the trees of Twizel the gorrilla waited. He had plenty of time to think through his options since he boarded the Llama Attack Submarine, following his briefing back at HQ, but now that he was here, ready to strike a blow for Fascism he hesitated.

Was the airship he was about to destroy piloted by a thinking feeling human being? Did he have a family? Was his Macrame up to scratch?

"Too Bad," thought Koko, "Time to die."

Koko Stood up and lifted the shoulder mounted RPG resting the targetting sight against his eye, and his finger on the trigger.

The electronic lock screamed in his ear.

He fired, and the rocket burst from his shoulder and up into the air, tracking its target.

There was an explosion and debris rained down on the little town.

Koko smiled the smile fo the damned, and faded back into the undergrowth.

4:09 PM

 

*****$%BDJhgs>>&22348))-open coms--&6^^271-;;{-begin encoded transmission-};;{-all units-}

Men and all Loyal Animal Units,

As the crisis approaches I wish to issue you your orders for the month. Feel free to improvise should the situation develop in unforseen directions though.

Operation Thesis is almost completed. TBALC efforts to undermine on this front have been well guarded against and I predict that High Command will be able to publish the results shortly.

TBALC Counter-intelligence Operation code-named Bamboozle is in full swing and the blokes down in section 8a still have a bit of work to do regarding it's full implications but I can assure you all that it will not critically effect our plans. I have to give a special warning though to Murray Ainsley and all agents in the field. Super Secret agent Orange may be tracking you this very moment - we already suspect his involvement in the 'Pill Incident' involving Agent Pies One.

Also we fear that TBALC High Command has launched a new offensive centered around the crushing of SANLFA once and for all. This cannot be allowed to happen and so I'm immediately issuing orders to all acrtive units to report to the ready room and there be briefed by Wing Commander Koko. He'll give you your operational orders regarding the defence of the homeland and the counter-offensive.

I want all units to be on the lookout for enemy activity, particularly around high command so that means I want you Major Dirche to take command of the co-ordination effort. I don't want my renewed trust in you to be misplaced.

Right, go to it team, I'm off to review the 7th Llama Elite at their base on the shores of Lake Titicaca.

Francis K Gill

Commander SANLFA Land Forces, Commander Imperial General Llama Staff, Chairman Joint SANLFA Forces, Cousin to the President, Guardian of The Chamber Unbreachable.

^271-;;{-end encoded transmission-};;{-all units-}^^$%BDJhgs>>&22348))-close coms--&6*****

3:06 PM

Thursday, February 13, 2003

 

STBANS APB (Except Dallington, which can get one for itself)
FOR THE EYES OF:
- Brigadier General Sir Ben "if it ain't got legs I ain't eating it" Allan
- Real Admiral Nic "work it out with a pencil" Mason
- Corporal "al, eal more like" Robbie Williams and his trio
- Agent Orange "ootang"

Men,

Have little to report except that scurvy seems imminent on board the Ploppy. As the Brig has pointed out, have taken to the skies once more in an effort to escape the stench and regain the "Lower Saxonbury Most Improved in-flight Macrame" title.

Have no visuals of the enemy aside from that burned into retinas from the Auckland incident. Am currently circling aimlessly around a wireless Internet cafe in Twizel while typing this. Macrame doing poorly. Will probably receive only a 'commended'.

Accidentally launched 90% of arsenal on mountainside thinking it was a gorgon. Going slightly insane. Medication all but gone - only blue ones left, yeuck!

Have discovered that large supply of Vanilla Coke on Ploppy makes excellent Av-gas, so no probs on the fuel front. Will most likely be shot at soon by Twizel locals. Can currently observe small riot group forming below, although all look strangely related so should be ok.

Will begin search for new cafe to buzz. More reports then.

NO CARRIER

Commodore "Emulator" Young

6:02 PM

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

 

TBALC-SANLFA JOINT MESSAGE ALPHA OMEGA ONE

For the love of God MAKE IT STOP.

We need to pool our resources and buy a pool. The pool comes with a 2200 foot private runway.

With more than 150 acres of unspoiled tropical environment, Musha Cay is a world-class private island resort, corporate retreat or family compound, luxurious and extremely private.

The Resort accommodates a total of 25 guests in the following villas: Highview, the main house, with 10,000 sq. feet has 2 bedrooms and 3 full baths 2 half baths, 2 kitchens and modern, high-quality interiors; Blue Point, 3,200 sq. feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, modern kitchen; Peir House with 3,200 sq. feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, modern kitchen, private beach; Palm Terrace Guest House with a total of 4,500 sq. feet, 5 guest rooms each with private bath, kitchen, private beach; Beach House with 2,000 sq. feet, one bedroom, one bath and private beach.

Other Highlights:
The Landings, a recreational complex with Billiard Room, Gym, custom bar, state-of-the-art entertainment center with satellite television. Also a Dining Room and modern, commercial kitchen. Situated around The Landings is the tennis court, outdoor Cabana Bar, massage room, swimming pools and lounge area. Beach House, one bedroom, thatch roof with secluded beach. Dock House, one bedroom. Seaview Villa, one bedroom. Sunset Cottages, six charming cottages for staff.

So anyway I reckon we stop all this sillyness and combine our forces for purchasing power. If purchasing power deemed unfeasable, perhaps an amphibious assult could be arranged. Doesn't appear to have any defences, none that we couldn't handle anyway.

Major Ding-"Crazed with lush island paradise"-Wall. Winner of the 1872 "You come here and say that" Award for particular particle physics, and jolly good with a 2 Iron.

Joint Message Out.

12:22 AM

Monday, February 03, 2003

 

TBALC BROADBAND TRANSMISSION
ATTENTION: ALL UNITS
THIS ENCODED MESSAGE BOUGHT TO YOU BY SPECIAL K, KEEPS YOUR COMMANDOS LOOKING GOOD

From: Brigadier General Sir Ben 'Some people call me the Space Cowboy' Allan
To all units,
Following his return from sterling service in undercover ablution operations, Sub-Private formerly Rear Admiral Mason is hereby promoted to Captain. He will head up the newly amalgamated MI213 Counter Intelligence and Special Projects division, effective immediately. Good work soldier.
In other news, I am placing TBALC units worldwide officially on Magenta Alert in preparation for a decisive strike in the immediate aftermath of Operation Perhaps Crush SANLFA Once And For All. Although the exact details of this operation are known to only a very few of you, we will need the full support of all TBALC units to finish the job that will soon be started. I want slacking off and drinking Coke at premium levels, gentlemen, and all department heads will probably get around to checking that this is the case at some point, possibly next Tuesday (if there's no Counterstrike on), maybe later, depends what's on TV.
That is all men. Carry on.
Brigadier General Ben 'Strangers in the night' Allan.

4:55 PM

 

***INCOMING MISSIVE***
SECURITY CLEARANCE LEVEL 7
Eyes Only: Super Secret Agent Orange
From the desk of Brigadier-General Sir Benjamin 'Not in charge at the Somme, no plans to invade Russia' Allan

Agent Orange,
Operation Bamboozle seems to be going smoothly. Initial MI213 reports indicate SANLFA has become totally convinced of your non-existence, and even several of our own personnel appear confused. This may be due to SANLFA Counter Intelligence, which seems to have got it into its head that you were simply some kind of rumour, and has been broadcasting this fact, although it does seem to remain somewhat wary. At any rate, our campaign of misinformation is certainly distracting them from putting their full efforts into Operation Thesis, and we have certainly been losing fewer operatives in the last few weeks. The problems of encoded messages detailing important missions falling into enemy hands in some mysterious fashion also seems to have lessened.
With your deep cover more or less secure then, we are poised to move to Phase Two of the operation. The Hard Man Trio will meet you at the prediscussed rendezvous point 2 clicks from La Paz for resupply and to secure your escape route. They have been working in the area for a few days now, and in the guise of a moustachioed Bolivian peasant named Eduardo, Corporal Williams has managed to seduce the lovely Irma of Mima's "personal assistant" detachment and so access will be provided by her as previously discussed in Scenario B. Skippy has reported a reasonable LZ has been cleared in the jungle with the help of his spinning disk thingy, but all the same it's going to be a tight evac, especially as final execution will take place, as you know, during a troop review of the 7th Llama Elite, and you'll probably have most of them on your tail on the way out. However, the Giant Wooden Tortise has taken up station in the South Pacific and I understand Commodore Young has volunteered to lead the flight of STBANs Apaches for pick-up personally. As you know, Commodore Young is an outstanding naval aviator, and I've personally seen him fly under bridges so low that his hat was knocked off, so you're in good hands there. In addition, 2 squads of the finest men and bears of the TBALC Arctic Warfare Division have been secretly acclimatising in the waters of Lake Titicaca for the past month and are prepared to cover you with a fighting retreat if necessary.
When final preparations are complete, green light notification will be given as discussed in the briefing. Dust off procedures will commence immediately following your ready signal.
Good luck Agent, make us proud,
Brigadier General Ben Allan.

4:41 PM

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

 

In which...

UPDATE TO ALL UNITS(*):

2003. TBALC was at WAR, SANLFA was at WAR. France had surrendered.

Yours, as far as I can tell

Major "I was at lunch" Dingwall, Third of That Name and Only One Still "Alive." Best Known For Exploits Performed Whilst Working As Photograhper For National Squirrel Weekly, And Happy to Be Invited In For Tea Thanks Love.

(*): With the following exceptions per order of appropriate people, and not just because someone told me.
- Any martian units need not be told.
- The enemy.
- The world press.
- My Mum.
- Your Mum.
- Any hot chicks who it is likely would be put off by this kind of silliness.
- The Queen, for was it not she who once said "one adult to Liverpool, please"
- The Queen isn't an agent, and neither are our mums, so why am I putting them in anyway?
- Super Secret Agent Orange, 'cause we all know he doesn't exist anyway and doesn't need telling.
- Toad of Toad Hall.

5:02 PM

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

 

Meanwhile on the back of a postcard of exotic jungle...

Dear Commander and All you Good Folks in TBALC HQ,

I continue to track my target and will close in soon for the kill. Expect Spectaular News of success shortly. I ran into Mjr Dingwall - what's his beef? kept muttering about my out of date Official TBALC Disguise Kit and my inability to give him the correct handshake...

Oh and can someone in finance fix me up for my pay? I seem to have stopped recieving it.

Wish you were here,

Super Secret Agent Orange

4:42 PM

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

 

Breaking Radio Silence For Silly Song Session

To: All Agents Still Harbouring Fond Thoughts of Paris in the Summer, or Anyone At All Secretly Contemplating Loving New York in June.

CC: Finance & HR (Hummus Resteraunt)


I'm sorry to break radio silence (as ordered by Brigadier General Allan on a postcard left over after dinner) but I feel some things need to be sorted out, and a number of situations need to be sorted out before they come any stickier than they already may well be, for honestly it is difficult for me to tell over here, I mean radio silence is great and all, but sometimes things get confused.

Which brings me rather cleverly I feel to the first confusion.
There is no Agent Orange. Or if there was, there certianly isn't anymore. I think there was some confusion over at HR (who put a Bush Predator in charge of Human Reaping? I mean that is just silly) But anyway Agent Orange is not a person, he may have been a confused conjoining of Agent Pedro (of the Auckland Crowd) and Commander Orange (Leader of his order) and actually a close two step behind Agent Will Scarlet who himself was involved with or possibly the long lost, illegitimate son of Captain Scarlet. But really I wouldn't have thought one slip of the encrypt button would have caused all this bother. So I hope that clears it all up. I will however expect to continue recieving pay orders made out to Agent Orange, for of course I have expenses to be paid and expenses to be expenced.

I can also suggest that Sub-Private Second Class Nicholas 'No Dentist, NO!' Mason has suffered enough for the "English Cat" Incident and should be realigned with the stars to perhaps a Full Sub Private in the Loyal Order of the Hand of TBALC. Of course he might well notice that this is not a promotion per se, but rather a sideways move, however he might not. Also I have it on my own good authority that the LOotH-TBALC is ready for some front line action, and thus he may well have the chance to make Private Second Class (Distinction) by the end of next year. We can only hope, it would be a shame to send him back to grade school. (again)

My recent sweeps of the area show that Murray Aisnely is indeed pensive. I can't tell you how I know that, but I do. He is surely planning something, and I imagine it has nothing to do with Real Auckland. In my most recent romp across the merry dells of this far off land (code talk for humping throught miles of hellish moors) I came across a camp fire still warm from his damned Devil Eggs. Damn him and the horror he has wrought. Do they know it's Christmas? or soon will be? I hope not, Dear me, for their sake, I truely hope not. I will continue my attempts to track the serpent to its um, Serpent Lair?

On a personal note, it is good to see that the "HOPFAC 'would be a splinter if only we could get the numbers' of England" has been deployed to unknown success.

Signing off till spring, and hopefully a defrosted radio antenna.

Major Dingwall, Third of That Name. Leader of the Loyal Order of the Hand of TBALC
There is not Super Secret Agent Orange, and even if there was you wouldn't want to know about it.
By Appointment to His Excellency Lt. Commander Street (pi class).

12:34 AM

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

 

Preparing for incoming Transmission via Naval Commsat Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

------------------------*beginning transmission*--------------------
-.-.--.-.-.-.-.-.--.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
The beach-head has been secured - stop - landing craft hidden in hedgerow - stop - southern village (Ashtead)infiltrated - stop - will establish communications array once enemy uniforms have been fashioned - stop- base to be established also with existing recconaissance operative Kremewan - stop- will make brief sortie to France for emergency tax-free beer supplies - stop
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Adm.J.R. - *H*O*P*F*A*C* Hawks Forward Expeditionary Forces

--------*transmission ends*---------

11:42 AM

Monday, October 14, 2002

 

Somos los portugueses.
Tenemos pantalones piel-apretados que se bombean, y queso maduro.
Oh el aroma de mi queso.
A veces los pantalones me hacen estornudo.
¿Usted ha visto mi llama?

7:18 PM

Saturday, October 12, 2002

 

**********Sí la perilla izquierda, ningún no, chasquea la placa giratoria del cifrado. No aquél, golpes del phat del oh...That.s no qué el manual de la transmisión dice*********

Hola.

Hola.

Yo comí el queso. Buen queso.

Poseo el vestido para el campo formo Francis K. Gill. .

Pantalones apretados también poderosos.

Pedro el magnífico, amo de pantalones.

12:50 PM

Thursday, October 10, 2002

 

Operation Hysterical Laughter: Phase II

*****SANLFA Burst Transmission Via all available COMSATS Begins****

Encryption Keys Lost Last Week after the 1-ply incident, currently resorting to old Shark and Fish Encryption, I hope these TBALC Bastards haven't got the old Bletchley Files

To: Field Marshall Francis K. Gill - Supreme Commander SANLFA Allied Forces;
Sub-Private Arriva Derchi (Purple Liver, Yellow Belly and Bar), Commander, SANLFA FIBs

Cc: Major Koko (Order of Merit), via Deep Extra Cover Control HQ
Major-General Dingwall, on Operations in Halswell
Alpaca's Pride
Admiral Ja'Mish (Bah!) Rice, Commander Oceanic Combat Division Expeditionary Force for Excellence;
The Curator, War Rocket Ajax Memorial Museum For the Greater Glory of War Rockets;
PoD Cells 2 through 21;
CNN and all REOFDPLFA Public Affairs Agents

For Your Immediate Action:

Gentlemen great news in our fight to place a frozen lump of pink pulp as ruler of the world. We inch closer to our goal with every day that passes and I bring you now glorious news from our agents in the field.

I am pleased with your success following my launch of operation 'Hysterical Laughter'. I wasn't sure that I was capable of the performance but it went off without a hitch and all sectors have since reported in that operations are proceeding apace. PoD units have been dispatched to silence the nasty westend critics and so things seem to be running smoothly.

Time for me to issure you with updtated orders. it's time we abandoned the coded French communiques conducted under the direction of Major-General Dingwall. It seems that MI213 have been intercepting these communiques as expected and while they seem to be baffled by them it has been deemed prudent that we abandon this psy-op before it is discovered that we really do like close trousers. Besides it is imperative that our control of the world supply of Pants That Make Chicks Arses Look Big not be discovered. The boys at the lab really hit it big with that one and frankly next to the TSV and the work being done by koko in extreme deep extra cover it's our greatest operation currently on the go. The good work in this area by the Major-General will be remembered and I can disclose that he'll receive a nice suprise for Christmas as a result.

Field Marshall, to you first. I have to note that your extreme counter-intelligence operations conducted since the incident with the cleaners has resulted in an adverse paper:crap ratio. I am officially ordering you to fire whoever it was that you hired and get people in who know how to look after toilets. That hag of a washer woman you have working in the Presidential Palace at the moment is incompetant - and besides she's been giving me funny looks. I demand that this situation takes your urgent attention - I want to see good old fashioned fascist 4ply in there by Saturday.

On another note I see that you have taken my suggestion that the dress uniform be changed to reflect the new millennium a little too literally. Look Frank I didn't actually mean you should prance around in a dress. I therefore order you back into your old digs. And stop using the Super Secret Not So Secret Entrance To The Hidden Underground Bunker, you know the one - through the woman's toilets in the Palace - it's supposed to be for emergency egress only. So stop it and use the front door like a good Field Marshall.

On to the orders of the day, I want you Frank, in liason with FIBs, to establish communications with Admiral Rice. He was dispatched earlier this week from Alpaca's Pride and should by now have made contact with the local PoD cell and have established himself among the natives. And while I'm on the subject of establishing communications find our agent in Real Auckland. The embarrasment we suffered last time must not be allowed to continue and the silence from our agent there is beginning to worry me.

Sub-Private, get your men to help the Field Marshall on this one, he's likely to have a busy week. Also see if you can't shake some information out of koko. I know his situation is delicate but really he ought to be producing more intell. Look out for the Hardman Trio. You will be aware that Cpl Williams has been detained by PoDs agents extolling the virutes of Cash TM to him but the other two were seen boarding a plane for Sydney and so may well be about to bust in on your operations in the near future. I know your security is tight but we've underestimated those two in the past and it's cost us dearly. May we never forget the sacrifice of our noble War Rocket.

I also want you to establish a tail on all suspicious people you've noticed around SANLFA operations world wide in the last month. While I was torturing a Person picked up for publically stating that they Prefered Camels (horrible I know - and so close to La Paz) I caught wind of our arch nemisis. TBLAC Super Secret Operative Agent Orange seems to have emerged from hiding and may have reinitiated his/her hunt for Muray Ainsley. Now I know Ainsley is capable of looking after himself but with him out of
communications range it falls to us to do whatever we can to protect our fine soldier. You know what has to be done, but I don't want Ainsley falling into the hands of Orange.

Righto that ought to be enough for now. Get this right and hold off TBALC for just a few more days and we can move forward with Operation Hysterical Laughter with confidence that we are on the cusp of greatness. May we all bask in the glory of the frozen brain of a maniac fascist. He may have been a maniac but he's our maniac.

President Sir Ja Mima
Overall Winner, 46th Annual Llama Show, La Paz

*****SANLFA Burst Transmission Via all available COMSATS Ends****

8:34 PM

 

***TBLACCOMSAT TRANSMISSION BEGINS***

LEVEL:3-PLY, HIGHLY SCENTED, PRIORITY REPORT
ENCRYPTION KEY:UNFORTUNATELY FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET DUE TO SHOCK AT RECEIVING INCOMING MESSAGE ON ROLL OF TOILET PAPER, NEW ONE WILL BE CUT ON WEDNESDAY. A BUGGER REALLY AS THE SPARE PARTS HAVE FINALLY ARRIVED.
APOLOGY:ONLY A PARTIALLY RECONSTITUTED REPORT FROM STRATEGICALLY PLACED FIELD OPERATIVES. ROLL OF TOILET PAPER HAD BEEN STARTED PRIOR TO DISCOVERY OF TRANSMISSION. VERY MESSY BUSINESS.

MESSAGE FOLLOWS:

TO: Brigadier General Ben 'Jammin' (Jammin') Jammin' (Jammin') I hope you like Jammin' to' Allan
The Rt. Hon. Commodore Sir Simon 'Magic Dance' Young
Lt. Commander Timothy 'PD' Street
Hardman Trio Commander: Sgt-Major Daniel 'RastaPastaMasta' Scott
Sub-Private Second Class Nicholas 'Cake Please' Mason
CC: Palmerston North (NZ) Salvation Army Brass Band
Sally Jesse Raphael
Society for the Eradication of Xylophones

.<<.>lsmj//\;djknfNuclearBomb..skfaiug>><\++Arrivakdsikh994ma;SydneyOperaHousekhkdsfi84'=sao,'sa'kfnfTony'W'Blair;;[aspdjjf];v,...hldi784=\;xzc,myeyes,thegogglesdonothinglasie... dskfe83',... ... ...I said posse!" And ah, how we laughed at that one. Anyway, in the morning she dropped me home, and I accidentally "lost" the phone number. Tragic, eh? But hey, you get that when you're an internationally placed, man-of-mystery, type field agent as myself. anywho, to get on to the actual report.

(Oh yeah, regarding the report, once again I must apologise for theoverarching stench of rotting vegetation and dank, humid air. I'm afraid the lads down at research took my idea of "a fresh rainforest frgrance" a bit too seriously. I have managed to make it a bit softer though - should be good for those nasty rashes, Brigadier General, Sir).

Hah! Your cunning plan of demoting my humble self to Sub-Private Second Class and leaving me to change the toilet rolls in the women's toilets had led to pay dirt. I have been able to convince those fools at SANLFA that as a trained toilet tissue replacement technician, I would be a valuable asset to their now depleted cleaning staff. I have been spying from deep in the bowels (or bowls, or something) of SANLFA HQ in La Paz. They may own South America, Afghanistan and various other hell holes, but I control their ablution blocks... and they don't even know. Muahahaha. Rest assured, I have replaced all their toilet rolls with that nasty single ply stuff (you know, that scratchy stuff so they find riding their attack llamas rather less comfortable than in the past) and have placed special agents in various sleeper positions throughout their
powder room facilities.

Unfortunately, as all powerful as my team of crack operatives is, NOT THAT MUCH GOES ON in the various blocks. The single useful piece of information that I can offer towards Operation Guinea Fowl I managed to find when their glorious (Yeah, right) leader, one Francis K. Gill, paid a visit to the ladies room in La Paz to powder his nose. Ladies room? (I hear you ask) Why yes, it appears that their esteemed leader is either a man who enjoys the occassional romp in womens clothing, or a woman who
dresses as a man in order to portray a better tyranical image to her llamatron forces. I suspect the former, mostly due to the receding hairline. Use this information wisely.

Anyway, thats it. Thats as bloody good as we could bloody do. Speaking of which, I don't wanna do this no more. I'm sick of toilet blocks, I no longer love the smell of Toilet Duck in the morning. Get me outta here. Or else I'll... er... something. Or else, anyway. And I want a promotion (stamp).

8:31 PM

Saturday, October 05, 2002

 

***TBLACCOMSAT TRANSMISSION BEGINS***
ENCRYPTION KEY OUT UNTIL AT LEAST NEXT TUESDAY, IF WE CAN GET THE PARTS
IT WON'T BE CHEAP ANYWAY, I CAN TELL YOU
MESSAGE FOLLOWS:

For the Eyes Of:
Brigadier General 'Schwing!' Allan
STBANs C-in-C The Rt. Hon. Commodore Sir Simon 'S'up, G?' Young
The Hardman Trio: Sgt-Major Master Chief Dan 'Zoicks!' Scott
Corporal Robbie 'Yoink!' Williams
Skippy the 'AooOOOOga!' Bush Predator
Sub-Private Second Class Nicholas 'Hubba-hubba' Mason
Possibly Loyal Double Agent Major Dingwall a.k.a Murray Ainsley a.k.a
Lt.Commander Tim 'Swede!' Street

Gentlemen,
As you may be aware SANLFA have recently stepped up their operations in all theatres. For example, I saw a tape of Francis K. Gill appearing in 'Look Back in Anger' in the West End the other night, and his peformance had markedly improved from opening night. Of course, we all know that this public demonstration is in fact a code to all SANLFA troops watching around the world to begin a new offensive against us.

Thanks to the efforts of Commodore Young (he has done good work here, but I suspect he may have been at sea too long. Susan has been in Twizel for MONTHS, for example) and the brave (but speedily dwindling) crew of the Giant Wooden Tortise Escort Submarine, the S.S. WeePiddleBlubblubPloppy, we were able to intercept the following message sent by SANLFA High Command:

"Nous sommes tous idiots. Je suis particulièrement stupide. TBALC est loin supérieur à nous de chaque manière. J'aime le pantalon serré.
J. Mima (OTH)"

As you can see, it was signed by J.Mima, Special Attache to Francis K. Gill himself. We know he holds other high level positions of responsibility in SANLFA as well, which we think include the role of Chief Torturer of People Who Prefer Camels. Whether this is true or not, he is certainly a dangerous and high-ranking individual who is not to be taken lightly. As such, we have handed the message over to our decoding boffins, who ran it through their Decoding Computer (codename: Altavista) a couple of times, and have come up
with this decryption:

"We are idiotisch all it. I am particularly stupid. TBALC is far higher than us on each art. I likes the close trousers."

As you can see their are several disturbing possibilities that arise from this message. Firstly, on-one here at TBLAC HQ is sure what an 'idiotisch' is. It does not appear to be a Llamaese word, nor does it appear on any of our lists of currently known SANLFA code words.

Secondly, we are not entirely sure what SANLFA is referring to when they describe us as 'higher than us on each art'. I thought that perhaps they were jealous of the fact that I scored 85% in Bursary Design, but MI213 assures me that this is more likely some kind of reference to the 'arts of war' - whether it may be the unmatched combat and chick scoring capabilities of the Hardman Trio, or the current naval superiority we seem to enjoy. If this is indeed the case, then it would seem that SANLFA is angling for a military build up unprecedented in their history, and a movement away from their traditional reliance on their very capable 'Dirty Tricks' division, with the ultimate aim of matching us toe to toe, or perhaps llama-to-predator. We can can expect a massive upgrade of all SANLFA men and material.

Thirdly, Mima expresses his preference for 'close' trousers. Every man knows that only the criminally insane can cope with the lack of freedom of movement, and the dangerous possibility of a reduced sperm count that tight pants can cause, but to actually express a PREFERENCE for them? This man is clearly a nut bar.

It seems then that a new wave of global SANLFA activity is set to begin. Recently it was also observed that SANLFA FIBs leader 2nd Lt. Arriva Derchi was in Christchurch for high level conference talks with high level SANLFA officials. The results of these talks are unknown, though it is rumored that Derchi has taken the first step towards some kind of SANLFA Super Soldier Breeding Program.

It is clear that we need more reliable information and we need it fast. As such, I am commissioning Operation Guinea Fowl, an intel data gathering mission. Orders are as follows:

The Hardman Trio under the command of Sgt. Major Scott will be dispatched to Canberra to operate behind enemy lines in liasion with local resistance groups. Their aim will be to disrupt and collect data on SANLFA activities in the area. Skippy's intimate local knowledge and Cpl. Williams irresistabilty to local Australian slappers named 'Sharleen' should both prove invaluable.

Commodore Young will continue to monitor Real Auckland on the lookout for SANLFA activity. SANLFA Command has recently taken to broadcasting so far unanswered coded messages to an individual named as 'Pedro', but what the content or recipient of these messages may be has not yet been determined. If it becomes necessary to destroy Real Auckland, or if I feel like it, we will be in a position to do so. The Giant Wooden Tortise has been recalled from Lake Superior and is currently steaming towards New Zealand at flank speed through Illinois. I have placed it and its crew at the beck and call of Commodore Young.

Lt.Cmdr. Street will continue to work for everybody like the whore he is. It is to be hoped that at some point he may produce some useful information, probably by mistake. As his current location and affiliation are unknown, we have painted these orders in 10 mile high letters on the moon so he will know what he is supposed to do wherever he may be. As soon as he reports in to any international office we will be happy to give him $10 for a phone call and a warm meal.

Sub-Private Mason will continue to replace toilet rolls in the women's lavatory. If he does anything useful he may receive a promotion.

I wish you good luck on your assignments men, and urge you to remain vigilant. SANLFA is on the cusp of something, and we don't know what it might be. (A cusp, that is.) Before we can take offensive action we must be sure of our information. Report ANY intel you may have, no matter how trivial it seems, because it could be crucial to the war effort. Remember that SANLFA would own Continental Africa by now if that loose-tongued musical instrument salesman hadn't let Hitler's brain-clone's shoe size slip during the Congo campaign in '86. And we all know how badly our arses were getting kicked before THAT happened.

Remember that MI213 and myself will be back here at HQ working around at least 1/24th of the clock to support you in the field. Good luck men. Once again the fate of the world rests in your capable hands. (Damn.)

Brigadier-General Ben Allan.

P.S Anyone noticed George Bush looks a bit, well, ape-ish lately?

***TRANSMISSION ENDS***

2:21 PM