Key:

• Messages by Ben
• Messages by James C.
• Messages by Simon
• Messages by Dan
• Messages by Nic
• Messages by James M.
• Messages by Tim

Original messages appear indented from the main text. The messages have had some spelling and grammatical corrections made (who knew we were all spelling 'Wollongong' wrong?) and '>' marks deleted, line breaks inserted / deleted etc, but are otherwise unedited. Order of messages in story is not necessarily order of messages as they were chronologically sent (damn e-mail). Hurrah.

It is perhaps ironic that the starting place for the conflict between the Tim and Ben Are Losers Club and the South American Nazi Llama Fancier's Association that has escalated to become the titanic struggle for world supremacy that we have seen in recent years was in fact a humble tertiary institution, and yet recent archival research made by this scholar has in fact determined that this is indisputably the case, despite what my supposedly better qualified academic rivals may say (and yes, I'm talking about you, Noam Chomsky). Astoundingly, historical documents reveal that it was a number of factors coming coincidentally together in the Tim Studies department of the University of Canterbury in early 1999 that sparked the most recent round of the ongoing fighting between TBALC and SANLFA that is now known as the Grand War of Acronyms (or GWA). To examine the history then of the TBALC vs. SANLFA war / crusade / police action (depends who you talk to) we must first look at the history of the University of Canterbury's Tim Studies department.

The department was founded by the brilliant and extremely good-looking Dr Ben Allan as a response to the ongoing academic interest in the entity known simply as Tim. Tim Studies embraced biology, biochemistry, sociology, psychology, quantum physics, phrenology and tarot card reading in an attempt to come to a greater understanding of Tim and his place in, and indeed massive effect on, society. The need for an academic assessment of Tim and his relationship with the world at large was made abundantly and increasingly clear on repeated occasions, none more so than when the following message, subjected headed 'Possibility redundant' infamously arrived in the inbox of everyone with e-mail in the world on Tuesday the 9th of March, 1999:

I live a life of unbridled passion in the heart of my 12-acre Edifice De Tim. It consists mainly of my military backed Junta's political core and allows me to hide from the rigours of leadership. I spend my time riding horses in the beautifully preserved native beach forest close by. I need spend only the morning embroiled within the backstabbing life threatening political system that my country has become enshrouded in. The citizenship take up hardly any of my time, especially since the last public executions. All in all I find my life busy and yet some how restful.

This has been an excerpt from "Mad As I Wanna Be", an autobiographical account of the life of our late great leader Czar Timothy VIII.

Clearly, the message had puzzling and potentially disturbing consequences for the globe, the population of which immediately wanted to know who this Czar Timothy VIII was and why they hadn't heard of the first seven. Many immediately headed down to their nearest bookstore to try to buy a copy of 'Mad As I Wanna Be', only to discover curiously that it was in fact an autobiography not of Tim but of New Zealand fast bowler Danny Morrison. Coming as it did as well at a time of heightened global Tim awareness, what with Crop Tims appearing mysteriously all over the place, and sightings in North America, Siberia, Ecuador and the Galapagos Islands of what seemed to be large Tims shambling about woods and forests dangerously close to populated areas, the message caused total worldwide panic and hysteria, during which 3 people were inconvenienced, 2 slightly, and 1 - even more disturbingly - seriously.

With the U.N locked in a 314 day summit trying to solve its own internal problem of having no clean teaspoons left, and hence unable to take action, Dr Allan decided that the problem had been caused by the fact that people had no real understanding of Tim, and that an appropriate response would be academic study of Tim in an attempt to gain greater insight into his many mysteries. "Tim is a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma" he told the South Canterbury Shearer's Association in January '99 in one of his famous plagiarisms, "…and we must work to change that." Consequently, with the approval of her Majesty the Queen, Dr Allan founded the Tim Studies department at U of C in February 1999, hoping to avoid a repeat of the 'E-Mail Calamity'.

The Department immediately launched into its life as a bustling centre for intelligentsia. A few items of correspondence to students and departmental memos have been preserved, and are offered here as insight into the workings of the department. The first essay set by Dr Allan in TIMS 101: Introduction to Tim related to the Tim Global Message, which of course at the time of still loomed fresh and horrible in everybody's minds:

Subject: TIMS 101 Essay 1 (3.74%)

Consider: Has Tim "gone mental"? If so, why? Or was he simply (as the Neo-Marxists would have us believe) filling in time between lectures?

Answers are to take the form of a 20,000 word essay due tomorrow OR alternatively with the approval of the head of Department of Tim Studies (me), an e-mail of unspecified length sent any time you feel like it.

Shortly after the essay was assigned, Dr Allan received the following letter, an application for research funding:

Dear Dr Allan, PhD and Bar of Soap.

Please consider my application for research funding to examine the above questions in more detail. It is my contention that this 'Tim' represents a serious breach of conduct for the human species as a whole. The ramifications of this breach need to be investigated fully.

Factors to consider when reviewing the state of 'Tim' do indeed include the so-called 'Mental Question'. However there are other factors that I believe need to be fully researched.

I propose to investigate the following areas and then fail to submit a lengthy report regarding my research to the Department:

1. What are the effects (long and short term) of a high fat, high sugar, low attention span, high slackness, low browed diet on the average 'Tim'?

2. What happens when a 'Tim' is confronted with the necessity of wearing matching socks?

3. When should one approach a 'Tim' and from what direction?

and consider the larger questions of:

1. Should society fear 'Tim'?

2. What is 'Tim'? (cross-funded from the RELS Dept)

3. How tall is tall when considered in the cross-cultural dimensions of the 'Tim'?

4. Should Western nations consider abandoning the doctrine of deterrence in the face of the rapid rise of the 'Tim' in the last decade?

Please feel free to comment on my proposal. I welcome any criticism, but am obviously eager to begin my work. I should advise you that rumours of my conviction by university authorities on breaches of human and animal ethics regulations are grossly over exaggerated, it was just a small goat and Tim was only in the room for a duration not exceeding two minutes.

Yours Sincerely,

Dr Jamima O T House, PhD (Honorary)

While thrilled that other academics were taking an interest in Tim, Dr Allan had no money to provide. As a new department, the TIMS departmental budget was limited and had already been spent, as he reported to Dr. House in his reply:

Dear Dr House,

I have taken a first look at your research proposal and I must admit I find your thesis statements very academically exciting.

Although the study of Tim has a long and proud history, there is a lot that we still don't know and perhaps your project would go a long way towards answering some of the big Tim questions.

However, sadly I regret to inform you that the Department of Tim Studies will be unable to fund your research. Each year the department funding is reviewed and (somewhat astoundingly) in 1999 the University has cut our spending level to below that of even the Engineering school. This has meant that several promising projects such as yours that would normally have been considered have to be turned down.

The research proportion of our budget (17%) has been largely taken up this year with the funding of the Johnson expedition to South America. Although ambitious, this excursion has already discovered 3 previously unheard of species of Lesser Tim in the Amazon Basin, findings which will, I'm sure, excite you just as much as they have excited the rest of us here at the department.

If you could somehow find your own funding the Dept. would be happy to co-operate with you in any way. In this modern era, the possibility of corporate sponsorship for the purposes of academic research is a possibility, and I might suggest approaching the Coca Cola company, who have course benefited enormously from the well documented "Tim Effect". It could well be that they are prepared to contribute to the further understanding of Tim and would like to associate themselves with the potential boon to mankind that this understanding would of course bring.

At any rate, I wish you the best of luck in your research and look forward to eventually reading your work.

Yours Sincerely,

Dr Ben Allan, PhD and Bar & Academic to the Stars.

Sadly, the cost of pith helmets alone meant that Dr Allan was unable to fund Dr House's research. He thought no more about the matter, until he received another letter, again from Dr House, on the 23rd of March:

Dear Dr Allan, PhD and Bar

Following the recent growth in studies of extreme strangeness I wish to bring to your attention my appointment to the following position.

Following your declining of my application for research funding I did a lot of soul searching and discovered my natural ability to ponder on things entirely 'Nicish'.

Therefore I have received a departmental grant from the University of Wollongong to set up my field research station and report back whenever I feel the need on the precise nature of "Nic".

I understand that you have had many dealings with this entity and I would welcome your ill-considered opinions on what is fast becoming the slackest being since your department leaked news of the occupational attachment of your specimen "Tim".

I look forward to your comments,

Dr Jamima O T House, PhD (Honorary)
HOD, Slackness and other things NIC

Although Dr Allan was somewhat astounded at the speed at which Dr House had apparently switched subjects and obtained a grant from the mysterious University of Wollongong, Dr Allan was again delighted. The entity known as Nic was another little understood entity closely related to Tim and sharing much in common with him, especially slackness. NICS research could benefit Tim Studies enormously. His excitement is obvious in his reply:

Dear Dr House,

We here at the Department of Tim Studies welcome the news of the opening of the Department of Slackness and Other Things NIC. We feel sure that the close relationship between the nature of our two fields of study will lead to strong ties between the departments, and we look forward to working with you.

The subject of Nic has of course emerged many times on the periphery of Tim research. Again and again, as we delve into the mysteries of Tim, we are confronted by the symbiotic relationship between Tim and Nic. The two seem to be inextricably intertwined. The nature of Nic is thus of great importance to us here at the Department.

Although little is known of Nic, initial research has turned up a few interesting findings:

1. Nic appears to be as slack if not MORE slack than Tim (astonishing!)

2. There is a direct relationship between the slackness of Tim and the slackness of Nic. However this relationship fluctuates wildly. Currently for example, Nic is well ahead in the slack stakes.

3. Nic is an entity that defies the conventional laws and rules of economic theory. Many students taking our TIMS 207: "Tim and the Nic Question" paper are in fact cross crediting it towards accounting degrees.

4. Nic is a contradictory body within which some elements remain static while others are in a constant state of flux. This can lead to some confusion and it is easy to see why; although the physical appearance of Nic is constantly altering for example, cycling through an increasingly bizarre range of shiny colours, Nic has stayed in the same job for 4 years.

5. The intellectual "being" of Nic seems completely unrelated to the physical. This leads to extravagant claims which have no basis in reality. For example, past documented cases include "I'm going to all my lectures this year", "I'll do all that fencing stuff tomorrow" and of course, the big one: "I'm getting all A+'s this year."

As a scholar of Nic yourself I am sure you are already aware of these early findings and are eager to expand our knowledge base. The Department of Tim Studies has several worthy essays and longer works on the subject available and you are welcome to duplicate these in order to pass them off as your own research.

We wish you luck in the setup of your Department and if you need any help do not hesitate to ask. I eagerly anticipate reading your first findings which will no doubt be of enormous interest to students not only of Nic but of Tim as well.

Yours sincerely,

Dr Ben "Jammin'" Allan, PhD and Bar, Academic to the Stars and Winner of the Annual Geraldine Country Music Yodel-Off 4 years running.

With the relationship between the 2 departments established, Dr Allan began to offer NICS correspondence courses through Canterbury at Wollongong, although no-one seemed quite sure where completed exam papers were being sent, as students were asked to submit their work in unmarked brown paper bag, to be left underneath a bench in the Botanical Gardens between the hours of midnight and one am. They then mysteriously disappeared and were returned to students via TIMS Department mail with no postmark, looking battered and stamped with swastikas. Despite this slightly unusual marking system, NICS integrated itself smoothly into the TIMS department. This course handout shows some of the new subjects that were offered following the amalgamation:

New Introductory Course for 1999: Introducing NICS 101 (12 pts)

In which the following broad areas are introduced to the 100 level student from which further study can be approached at higher levels within the department.

NICS 101: Introduction to Nic

1. Introduction to Nic (His job, his flat, and his car).

2. The Macroneconomics of Nic. (investigations into the effects on the capitalist system by Nic) - Students will be encouraged to follow on with the honour programme NICS 467 (cross-coded ECON 487).

3. The cycle of consumption. (Nic and alcohol, money, and clothes) guest lecturer Gianni Versace - interested students will be encouraged to follow on with NICS 213: The Shirt Fiasco (cross coded FEMS 299)

4. Slackness, TBALC and Nic (The unholy triumvirate)

5. Nic and Tim; Peasants in a modern setting? - students interested in this are encouraged to take TIMS 207: Tim and the Nic Question

6. University and Nic (The modern Tertiary Problem)

I hope this course appeals as there will be no assessment at ll. Comments welcome.

Dr Jamima O T House, PhD (Honorary), Director General United Nations Taskforce on Nic, HOD Slackness and Other Things Nic - Nic Studies

A typical NICS essay in e-mail form (and accompanying note) from a young NICS student shows the amazingly high standard of research that was being done in NICS at this time, even at undergraduate level:

Subject: Late Essay NICS123

[Dr House: I hope you will accept this essay late, and by email. I would've dropped it into the department, but it is 4am in the morning, and I'm afraid of the ferocious lemurs. I promise to hand in all my future essays before they are 67 days overdue. I trust you will be lenient. After all, I do technically pay your wages. PS: My mother read the first 1000 words of this earlier this afternoon, and she said my work was "lovely dear" so I hope you feel the same way.]

NICS123 Essay One [Question 3b]

"Nic has often been compared to a pudgy balding 10 pin bowler and hardware salesman of the late fifties. Explain the relevance of this in a Postmodern world without the aid of a spatula. Display expansive analytical thought but be concise and to the point."

Julius P Oniondotcom, in the "Journal of moist undergarments" [No.1 v2 1998] writes:

"Mr. Knox Phillips, you may think I've been waiting for some man to come along and take me away from my troubles, but I'm not. What will become of me, a woman all alone, fighting to make her way in this big old world? I rightly don't know. But I do know--and you should, too--that I intend to keep the promise I made to Mr. Walter Shackleford so many years ago. I don't care if I have to wait another seven years for him to come back or, for that matter, another seven after that. Take one last good look at my face, because if you ever venture to set foot inside my house again, the hard words I am speaking now will sound sweet as honey compared to the things I will say to you then, sir. I have no more time for such useless conferences, so please go now, Mr.Phillips, and take your flowers with you."

This famous remark has long been associated with one of Nic's most prominent suitors, Trevor Bonthread. Elvis agrees(5):"I agree with..." This is due to the constant expansion of the universe, as it struggles to distance itself from its epicentre, Nic's wardrobe. H.P. Lovecraft, botanist and tailor to the stars, reported his venturings to the "plaid zone" as it is known by more highly paid TBLAC operatives, thusly: "it were 'orrible." The stylistic differences between each shirt, (varying from "could be worn to the gay mardigras" to "could go bowling in black and white in that" to "That shirt would be tight on one of the mice in Brian's kitchen") cannot exist in an enclosed space for so long.

The only feasible explanation is that Nic is an interdimensional monster of many tentacles. The Shaman Jammanallan confirmed this when he imbibed the Sacred Bourbon and Coke of Mugalaua-aga. The ritual was long and painful for all pants involved, yet nobody can forget his famous speech, oft quoted in the President's Address to The Nation, 93-98, so for brevity's sake will not be repeated here.

Also known as the Violated of Pillsbury Lane, Nic's True Form is that..t43543^*&&$

---

And that's where the computer crashed. I would type it all out again, but ...but... waaaah

Other academics also contacted the department from all over the world, excited by the chance to really get their teeth into some serious NICS or TIMS research. Dr Allan regularly fielded proposals such as this one:

Re: New Introductory Course for 1999

2. The Macroneconomics of Nic. (investigations into the effects on the capitalist system by Nic) - Students > will be encouraged to follow on with the honour programme NICS 467 cross coded ECON 487

In regard to the preceding course outline, I would like to propose a further new course for the coming year in the Department of TIMS. I will be looking for funding in order to study the closely related field of TIMS 314: The Magiceconomics of Tim. In this course, the seemingly magical ability of Tim to have money whenever they seem to need it will be discussed and researched. This is a subject that has puzzled many scholars for years, and it is hoped that through teaching and researching this subject all will be able to learn the art of what we here in the Department like to know as: 'Magical Money Materialisation' and how it can be applied to "heal the world, make it a better place - for you and for me and the entire human race".

Ahem.

I humbly await the awarding of funding to possibly the most rewarding study in the area of Tim to date.

Gerald (inSaintiable) Germane - "The Missing Link from Wollongong"

P.S. This is soon to be cross coded with HIST 314, as it has come to the departments attention that the actual income of Tim may in fact become traceable over the next year.

At this point however, a series of correspondence began that would change the destiny of not only the TIMS department, but the very world itself. Although academically things were going well, Dr Allan was becoming increasingly concerned in offering correspondence degree courses at an institution he could not find in the phone book. In addition, Dr Johnson's expedition to the Amazon was overdue. He began to spend time dig up any clues he could about the University of Wollongong. As he looked into the matter, the following letter arrived at the department from a former star pupil of his, Mr Wyatt Girl:

Um, hi...

Let me give you a student's perspective.

OK, so I know a bit about Tim. When I started uni, I took the recommended engineering intermediate of maths, chemistry, Latin, and Tim. In particular, I chose to take TIMS 107: "Pizza and Coke, the holy union", and TIMS 109: "Geodynamics and Structural Evolution of Coe's Ford". This was my first taste of Tim studies, as my high school was a namby-pamby god-fearing ultra-right-wing pants-around-your-ankles-and-cough college, as are currently prevalent in eastern Christchurch. I think Sergeant Scott attended also a few years ago.

Anyway, I was soon approaching my enlightenment with vigour and relish, and was quite chuffed to get above the median (!) in one of the tests. Overall, even though the material was difficult, and I got totally lost in the "Tim: What is it?" topic, I felt confident enough to try stage 2. The dept didn't seem worried of my C- and E for the two subjects. They asked me why, and when I replied that I hadn't made an effort, they offered me direct entry to the honours program.

So the next year I enrolled in such things as TIMS 456: "Post-colonic Theory", TIMS 432: "Special Topic", TIMS 408.5 "The Sentience Debate", and TIMS 213 / FILM 237: "Random Quoting". I cannot elaborate what these were about, as I spent my time at home or in a computer lab that year. Still, I graduated with Hons 2/1.

I'm waiting now for an offer from the Sultan of Brunei to become his heir, or some similarly rewarding career.

What I can't work out, though, is how that new Dept of NICS has been set up. From what I've heard, it's being run by that Dr House guy /gal. Now that's a shifty proposition. After all, his doctorate is not only honorary, but it is self-applied. Have a look at the degree hanging on the wall of his office. It was printed out by House on his own dot-matrix printer, badly in need of a new ribbon. And he managed to misspell 'Doctor', 'Awarded', and 'House'. This fraudulent phoney could never actually achieve any real research. All his articles to date have been clipped out of the 'North-Canterbury Advertiser'.

And as for the University of Wollongong, that's just a front organisation for the SE Asia Child Porn Distribution Network (SEACPDN, pronounced seakpidin). Or so I've been told, by someone else, without actually knowing myself.

Hence, and in conclusion, give me all your money, you bastards.

Wyatt "Rainbow" Girl,
Secretary, NZ div. of SEACPDN.

Troubled by these accusations, Dr Allan set off for Australia to try and actually locate the University of Wollongong.

Meanwhile, this message from another keen and typical young new TIMS and NICS major, Squeeze Languidly, arrived at the department:

To whom it may concern,

I hope this essay is going to the right place! Earlier this year I signed up for TIMS 3.14 (Tim's Effect on the Orbits of Major Celestial Bodies) and also several NICS papers. I have been desperately trying to find the lectures and get a copy of the course outlines. I can only offer my apologies for missing all lectures to date due to my highly contagious weeping sores that cover 87% of my body. Also I feel that my presence in class may be disruptive due to my need to constantly talk to five 76 yr old friends that must accompany me on every visit to a learning institute. Despite this, I have taken the liberty of composing a short essay which I feel may touch on the major aspects of these courses.

TIM and NIC: A collision - repulsion experiment

by Irene Dover Toofa'a

Tim and Nic have been described by Golfin ("Installing your new Mitsubishi GX-154", pp 17 - 18) as "the polystyrene covering, exposing the unit". Do these comments bear any relevance to the "Nic is Tim" theory?

This author certainly thinks so, and for the following reasons*

1. You never see Tim and Nic in the same place at the same time
2. Nic works at McDonalds, Tim eats at McDonalds!
3. Nic speaks English. Tim speaks English.
4. Nic and Tim look identical!
5. Both Nic and Tim have 2 arms, 2 legs and answer to "bastard"
6. When mentioning the other "entity" Tim and Nic convulse horribly and create a jello-like excrement.

(*These notes taken from "How to design your own Oriental Garden" by Tree Treetree)

Therefore in conclusion, the inverse law of hunger cannot relate to the frequency at which sparrows migrate to the Andes to play "Time Crisis 2" and swap 'Nam stories. It is clear that Tim and Nic are just these guys, you know?

_______________
Squeeze Languidly
BBC News
www.put-your-hand-in-this-and-tell-me-what-it-feels-like.com

Following this message, the TIMS departmental secretary took advantage of Dr Allan's absence to respond directly to Mr Languidly without the knowledge or consent of Dr Allan, her motives (at the time) unknown. Languidly received the following letter:

DEPARTMENTAL DISCIPLINARY ORDER #4345326576687.ning

To: Squeeze Languidly

Squeeze,

It has come to our attention that your essay has been blatantly plagiarised from several books, often word for word, if not paragraph for paragraph without reference. We at the University O'Doom take this kind offence seriously, and disciplinary action will be taken.

The books in question being:

• The Yates Compost Guide (Tactical Interface User's Manual)
• A Tale of Two Cities (with four m's and a silent q)
• Miffy the Rabbit and the Dystopian Future (the expurgated version)

We are sure you are well aware of these titles. If you wish to query any of the above, you will be given an opportunity at your court-martial. It is our custom to let the accused select their own form of discipline. Please make a selection from the list below.

Removal of Privileges, (not necessarily including but not limited to: basic hygiene, basic food, or basic shelter needs):

1. via oral means
2. via aural means
3. via (select another orifice)
4. via fatal beatings
5. via 31/2 hours in front of a warm Tim. (complying to Moistening Regulation 5hb)

Please hand this in to your local punishment administrator, while singing "I'm a yankee doodle dandee" and wearing not less that 15 pairs of socks.

Secretary
The Department of Tim and Nic Studies
"How would YOU like to eat it?"

Somewhat puzzled and outraged by this reply, and fuelled by his distaste for receiving fatal beatings, Mr Languidly replied directly:

Dear Secretary,

Thank you for your thoughtful comments regarding the placing of various appendages into assorted orifices. As it happens, I have a three-week supply of Tim "moistings" with which to punish myself in the comfort of my own box.

However, I shall be blatantly ignoring any accusations which imply plagiarism as a crime in this department. Can I cite Para. 4, subclause 9a, scribbled out bit Q3, written in biro over the top t67 of the constitution of the department which states "...get your hand out of it you dirty man" and the corresponding "(sp!) See me!". As I see it, plagiarism is encouraged in this department, and I'd just like to take this opportunity to take credit for inventing the wheel, the lamp and the little angly bit that holds shelves up.

As for you, Mr Mrs so-called Secretary, I can only hope that you have a slight inconvenience at some un-called-for point in the not too distant, but still unexpected, future. Yours never,

-----------------
Squeeze Languidly
ABC News
Washington
www.astronauts-who-love-animals.com

While this correspondence was taking place in Christchurch, Dr Allan was having no luck in tracking down the University of Wollongong. Travelling directly to the town, he found that most locals laughed if he asked them where the university was, and inquiring further discovered that the institution itself had closed down in 1973 after all of its library books had mysteriously been replaced one night by dead goldfish. Although the University had attempted to continue its existence after this bizarre event by converting into an academic theme park, the public was uninterested, and in 1974, the site had been demolished and replaced by a hospital for injured koalas. Dr Allan tried to visit this facility but found it surrounded by 10 foot high electrified fences, and was told by armed guards at the gate that public access was forbidden under any circumstances, although if he liked he could buy an M.Sc for $1.99 Australian. When he stealthily returned at night, he was unable to get in but could hear emanating from the complex (as he later recounted in his journal): '…a curious series of synchronised grunts, as if several hundred largish animals were performing kung-fu exercises.' He also noted that they did not sound like koalas.

However, as Dr Allan sat alone in a corner of 'Ocker Bob's Steak and Four X Palace' one night, confused and demoralised, and drinking himself into a stupor, he happened to mention the University of Wollongong to a strange and desperate-looking man with a haunted look in his eyes. Dr Allan's journal records the series of events that followed:

The man looked furtively about the bar, and then came over to me.
'Did Girl send you?' he whispered conspiratorially, sitting himself down next to me where he could see the door.
'Yes, but what's all this about? Where is Wyatt?' I asked him.
'Forget Wyatt' he spat, 'Wyatt was a patsy. I don't think you'll be seeing too much of Wyatt any more.'
'What do you mean?' I started to say, but he cut me off savagely.
'Look' he said, 'You obviously want to know about child porn'.
As he said the words his fingers made quotation marks, although that didn't stop the embarrassed silence at the bar during which everyone in the joint looked at me like I was Satan's cabana boy.
'Not so loud' I said, 'But yes, I need to know what's going on here'.
'Meet me in the alley behind the bar in 5 minutes' he whispered, 'And bring the band.'
I looked up to the small stage at the enthusiastic but talentless Rolf Harris tribute group who were doing covers of his little known washboard thrash / death metal B-sides. 'Bring the band?' I inquired.
My new friend looked puzzled for a moment, and then said: 'Oh right, sorry. I meant come alone. I always get those two mixed up.' He sidled away and disappeared through the back door.
It just so happened that the band was starting up on the minor classic Nail My Kangaroo Down to A Burning Cross, You Heartless Bitch, which takes almost exactly 5 minutes, so I waited for the song to end, and then stood up, adjusted my scotch, and downed my trousers. There was a second embarrassed silence at the bar. Eventually I clicked.
'Ah' I said, 'I seem to have got that the wrong way round.' I pulled up my pants and was heading for the back door with as much dignity as I could muster, when suddenly an agonised scream came from outside.
Rushing into the alley, I found my would-be informant horribly trampled, totally covered in blood and what appeared to be large gobs of spit. From my right came a rapid clattering sound, as if of hooves on asphalt, but as I spun around whatever was making them vanished into the night. I bent down to my stricken would-be informant.
'Sanelpha' he gurgled. 'Sanelpha!!!'
'Who?' I said. 'Who is this Sanelpha? Who did this to you?'
'Look for Sanelpha' he rasped, 'SanelphAAAAAAAAphuuuurrghhh' he concluded.
'That's not a word!' I remonstrated, but he was dead.

Following this troubling turn of events, and unable to locate any sign of Wyatt Girl, the fate of whom is to this day unknown, Dr Allan booked the first flight back to Christchurch. While wanting to uncover the identity of the mysterious 'Sanelpha' who may well have been responsible for 2 deaths, he did not wish to arouse further suspicion, and so set about his normal business as the TIMS HOD. His first act was to field a phone message from a distraught Squeeze Languidly, who had spent an anxious week trying to locate 15 pairs of special support socks - the only type he was able to wear due to his unfortunate condition.

Unable to reach Squeeze by phone at the Drew Barrymore Weeping Sores Institute due to their Amish Policy of communicating with the outside world only by carrier pigeon, Dr Allan instead immediately dispatched this internal memo to his secretary:

Subject: Policy Change
Date: Mon, 29 Mar 1999

Dear Secretary,
Have you read the 1999 edition of the "TIMS Departmental Guide or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb" handbook? Section 4 sub-paragraph G now reads (and I quote): "…which is subject to the approval of the HOD. However if the concrete mixer has been in operation for less than five (5) working weeks by Christmas Day, punishment will not be handed out. In fact in these circumstances (Ruling 26.3) plagiarism is totally acceptable and even encouraged, especially in cases where Mrs Harris's border collie has recovered from its stomach upset. And Mondays."

Obviously then, Mr Languidly's punishment is entirely optional, and if he elects to accept it than he need wear no more than 9 pairs of socks.

Grovel Before Me Puny Underling,

Dr Allan, your boss.

Her reply to this censure was immediate and unexpected:

Subject: Re: Policy change

Oh Doctor, punish me instead! Punish meee-eeee!

You know I love it when you get all commanding. Forget about that Squeeze fella and give me a right seeing to. My, your degree is so big and I am but a mere departmental secretary. I get soooo lonely sitting in my little office all day, receiving essays, typing letters, and writing erotic poetry. Show me what a graduate of TIMS can really do!

Your scantily clad Secretary of Submarine B

While somewhat taken aback by this turn of events, Dr Allan did note in his journal at the time '…this explains her strange actions of late, and the anonymous perfumed letters I found in the conning tower.' However, the good Doctor had more pressing matters to deal with. A second message had been left on his answering machine, its content comprised of just 2 words, in a high-pitched voice akin to that of Darth Vader on helium: 'La Paz'. Inflating his Dr Allan look-alike doll, which he positioned behind his desk in a realistic pose, he left the department via a window and headed once more for the international airport, his destination - Iceland.

Several hours after being informed by a colourful but illiterate Reykjavikian taxi driver, Reykjavik Ian, that La Paz was in fact the capital of Bolivia, Dr Allan touched down in La Paz. His journal records the following:

As I made my way out of the terminal two swarthy looking individuals somewhat strangely garbed in fedoras, hoodies, trench coats and what seemed to be saddlebags approached me.
'Can I help you?' I inquired?
'Are you Dr Allan?' one of them asked intently.
'Yes' I said, instantly realising that maybe this had not been the best answer.
'Come with us please, Dr Allan' rumbled the second. I glanced down and noticed that four (somewhat woolly) feet emerged at the bottom of each trench coat, invisible to the casual observer. I swallowed hard. After the Congo in '86, I knew alpacassassins when I saw them.
'Er, I think I'll make my own way, thanks' I stammered.
'I wouldn't recommend that, Dr Allan' said the first thug. 'Did you know, doctor, that La Paz is the highest airport in the world?'
'Yes' added the second. 'It would be a great shame if you were to…fall off it.' Things might have gone badly for me then, if I hadn't been carrying my souvenir cuddly narwhal as hand luggage. 'Oh my God' I said. 'Over there, is that William Fichtner?'
'Who?' they said.
'You know, William Fichtner' I replied. 'You may remember him from such films as Armageddon, in which he played the Air Force shuttle pilot. Or perhaps as the crooked cop in Strange Days. Or as the flamboyantly gay detective in the minor classic What's the Worst That Could Happen, or maybe as Delta Sergeant 1st Class Jeff Sanderson in Black Hawk Down.'
'Nope' chorused the goons.
'Ah' I said. 'Well, he's over there anyway, next to Jacques Cousteau.'
'Jacques Cousteau?' they exclaimed. 'We thought he was dead!' They turned to look. Grasping my narwhal firmly by its plush synthetic fabric horn, I smote the first thug a solid blow on the head. He went reeling into a luggage cart. Foot tripping the second, I legged it. 'Stop!' he cried, struggling to his 4 feet; 'Stop in the name of Hitler's brain!' But I wasn't stopping for anything, not even the supermodel wet t-shirt competition that was taking place over by Domestic Arrivals. 'Come back!' implored Christy Turlington, but I threw open the main door, sprinted into the car park and looked wildly around Bolivia, enormous gobs of spit landing only centimetres behind me. Suddenly a battered Combi van screeched to a halt nearby, the rear door yawning wide.
'Get in!' urged a midget in a clown suit. Ah, what the hell I thought, and got in the back of the van.

Historical opinion of course has often favoured the suggestion that this midget in a clown suit was screen star Warwick Davis (Return of the Jedi, Willow) under the impression that he was filming a movie, whilst in fact he was in the totally wrong car park due to a administrative error (the film was actually being shot in Reykjavik.). However, my own recent research shows that while in fact Davis was in La Paz by mistake on that fateful day, he in fact spent 26 hours trying to sneak out of the Hacienda Villa Del Sol Bolivia without paying by hiding in a laundry basket. I suggest that in reality (in your face, Noam), the midget was no other than Skippy the Bush Predator, Master of Disguise and Super Commando.

Doctor Allan's whereabouts and activities for the next 48 hours are unrecorded. However, it is known that he was back in Christchurch within two days, as proved by the following excerpt from an unnamed TIMS student's diary:

Tuesday: Figured I'd go see Doc Allan and try and get a 26-week extension for my essay. Knocked on the door, no answer, so I let myself in. He was just sitting there behind his desk, looking strangely wrinkly and saggy, and giving me a silent evil stare. I started to explain myself, but then he floated up to the ceiling, which I figure meant he was really angry, so I told him I would come back tomorrow when he was having a better day.

Wednesday: Saw Doc Allan again today. He was much more like his cheerful useful self, and gave me the extension. He seemed pretty worried about something though, and told me to '…stay away from strange ungulates.' Weird. Oh well. Thought about procrastinating in the afternoon, decided I couldn't be bothered. Watched test pattern for 6 hours.

Clearly in what are now known as 'The Missing Hours', Dr Allan was informed about SANLFA, and its various fronts, by a person or persons as yet unknown. Although on returning to Christchurch he seemed to be going about his business in the Tim Studies department as usual, it is clear from the messages that followed this point that he had been alerted to the great danger that he, and indeed the very world, were now in. His first act on returning to Christchurch was catch up on his correspondence starting with an historic e-mail response to Gerald Germane:

Subject: Re: New Introductory Course for 1999

Dear Mr Germane,
We at the Department of Tim Studies are thrilled to receive your proposal. Magiceconomics is a well covered but ever expanding subject and we have no doubt that your course will make sweeping advances in the field. Indeed, perhaps your research could begin here? It is of course a documented fact that Tim has relations working at the Registry...

We shall build your new course into our TIMS degree immediately. Students and staff look forward to participation and possible financial reward.

Yours Sincerely
Dr Benjamin Allan, PhD and Bar, the "Love Doctor".

P.S: I suggest you cut any ties you may have with the University of Wollongong. It has recently come to my attention that this organisation is in fact nothing more than a front for the SE Asia Child Porn Distribution Network, which is itself just a legal cover for the underground movement of the South American Nazi Llama Fanciers Association, (S.A.N.L.F.A) who seek a world order led by a clone of Hitler's brain. Needless to say, a close association with such unscrupulous individuals casts grave aspersions on one's academic credibility.

Allan's courageous but perhaps naïve warning to Germane is the first recorded mention of SANLFA in TBALC correspondence. Allan went on to try and warn other students as well, sending this letter to the distressed Squeeze Languidly under the guise of a departmental rebuke:

Dear Squeeze,
While we here at TIMS were delighted to receive an essay from someone that the police search effort had been cancelled on, we are sorry that we cannot accept it for marking for several reasons.

Firstly, you should be aware of the departmental "non-attendance" policy, in which any student who actually attends more than 5 lectures during the course of a year's study automatically receives an E. This encourages the right level of slackness development amongst our students. In keeping to the spirit of this policy, we find the circumstances under which you are not attending the course are far too acceptable. Weeping sores over 87% of your body is indeed a good reason not to attend any lecture. What we really require is a conscious decision to NOT attend the lecture. You should be able to muster all the free time, good health and lack of other things to do that you need to attend a lecture and then fail to attend anyway.

This may simply require a change in attitude. You are clearly a keen student. What you need to do is make the brave decision to overcome your debilitating condition and come to university, and THEN decide that in fact doing nothing would be more beneficial. We need you to be here first and then sod off. So come to campus! You are after all 13% healthy.

Secondly, we have not yet received your documental evidence of your non-association with the following people / organisations:

1. The University of Wollongong
2. S.E.A.C.P.D.N (SE Asia Child Porn Distribution Network)
3. S.A.N.L.F.A (South American Nazi Llama Fanciers Association)
4. Tall Laptop Shhhh Girl

Thirdly, nattering imbecilic "mature students" who keep interrupting and asking stupid questions of the lecturer, are, by departmental policy, shot on sight. Please disown / kill your friends.

If you can meet these requirements we will happily mark your essay, which looks to be based on a solid knowledge of Tim and Nic. You may be interested to know that our chemistry section expects a breakthrough at any moment on their sample analysis of nictimplasm, the jelly-like secretion in which you seem to have an unhealthy interest.

We look forward to welcoming another student into our fold.

Yours Sincerely,

Dr Ben Allan, PhD and Bar, 1998 winner of Nobel Tim Prize.

Although the identity of 'Tall Laptop Shhh Girl' has never been determined, some scholars (alright, me) have speculated that Allan used this as a euphemism for his crazed secretary, who in hindsight was clearly a SANLFA mole at TIMS, something he was probably informed of in 'The Missing Hours'. In response to this threat inside his very institution, Allan drafted another memo:

Dear Secretary,
Stop stalking my wife or I shall be forced to notify the relevant authorities. I may also add, on receipt of your letter dated 27/3/99 that "wanting" does not rhyme with "throbbing".

Report to the torpedo tube for immediate launch.

Repelledly yours,

Dr Allan, PhD and Bar, D.S.O, Commander of Her Majesty's Submarine "Takethatyoucommiebastards".

Allan's mention of a wife may confuse novice students of the TBALC / SANLFA conflict, for no such wife was known for him at this time. However, those who have read B.J Allan's excellent text "Dr Ben Allan: A Biography of Greatness" will recall that Allan was once married, but that his beautiful young wife was killed by shadowy assassins in unspeakably horrible circumstances in the Congo in '86 during the Llama Uprising. This affected the young soldier / honours student so much that, in the words of B.J Allan:

"…Allan never really got over the death of his wife in '86. For years he tormented himself, wondering what might have been if he hadn't run out of bullets, if the train had been on time, and the BBQ had been assembled according to instructions. In his mind, he assembled a fantasy world where everything had gone right and Gertrude was still alive. Sometimes he would retreat completely into this delusion, inviting people over to try his wife's llama fricassee. Although after some intensive therapy and the help of friends and colleagues he was able to face reality, he would still from time to time lapse into the belief that his wife was still alive, especially in times of great stress. Sometimes, although rarely during these periods, he would also be under the impression that he was some kind of citrus fruit."

Clearly, under stress in this instance, Dr Allan had again sadly succumbed to this mental malady born of misery, although links between Dr Allan and citrus fruit have never conclusively been proven.

Although she tried to flee the country, the TIMS secretary was apprehended by UCSA security guards, and discharged - off the coast of Kaikoura, at a depth of 60 fathoms. One threat to TBALC had been removed, but, tragically, perhaps too late for Squeeze Languidly, as this message received the next day by the new TIMS secretary, Christy Turlington, illustrated:

Sir,
In regards to your letter of March 29, we wish to advise you that the late Mr Languidly is now unable to reply to any of your correspondence. It seems he was so emotionally distraught at having his essay "rejected" he crushed up 19 porcelain dolls, blew the powder around the room and struck a match. In the resulting explosion all that was left of the great scholar was his molars. In fact a new commonwealth dental record was set.

I trust that you will find your way clear to giving Mr Languidly a pass mark, due to his excellent avoidance of any future assessment in your department.

And on a personal note, may I wish you a nasty head cold.

Yours,

--------------------
Flaps Uncontrollably
Agent to Mr Languidly
Kensington Palace
www.retentive.com

Although Dr Allan suspected direct SANLFA involvement in the death of such promising young slacker, coming as it did hand-in-hand with the destruction of the strongly anti-llama Drew Barrymore Weeping Sores Institute, he was unable to investigate openly, fearing the TIMS department would be next to suffer a porcelain explosion. Instead, he drafted this cautious reply:

Dear Mr Uncontrollably,
Although saddened to hear of the death of such a promising if unsightly scholar of TIMS, we hear at the department regret that no pass mark can be awarded posthumously to Mr Languidly.

As someone no longer alive, he has of course the perfect excuse to no longer attend lectures. This is in contravention to our "choosing not to attend" policy. We could only provide a pass mark under the following circumstances:

1. Mr Languidly's will says something like "I want my mortal remains to attend lectures in TIMS every day, providing it is raining and there's nothing good on Ricki Lake", or;

2. Mr Languidly's ashes are scattered in a TIMS lecture theatre and then blow themselves out the window at the first opportunity, or;

3. There is a sizeable donation to the department by Mr Languidly's estate, something in the region of a billion dollars.

Despite these provisions, we here at the department take your point on Mr Languidly's excellent avoidance of any further assessment and we will be happy to admit any remaining bits of him you can find into the honours program.

Yours sincerely,
Dr Benjamin Allan, PhD and Bar, world record holder for most consecutive viewings of "Every Which Way But Loose" (2 and a half).

P.S Although I have not developed a head cold, I have developed a nasty case of secretary. I hope you are not behind this or I may be forced to take legal action.

Dr Allan's cunning deception, that his work was still being hampered by his former secretary, suggests his suspicion that Uncontrollably was a SANLFA agent posing as a lawyer, or perhaps that all lawyers are SANLFA agents posing as lawyers. Not wishing for a replacement SANLFA agent to be sent, he led Uncontrollably to believe a SANLFA saboteur was still at work at TIMS. Although SANLFA involvement was never proved in Languidly's death and police ruled it a suicide, Allan was no longer sure who to trust and was becoming paranoid, perhaps justly in light of the reply from Gerald Germane that arrived in his inbox on the 4th of May 1999:

Dear Mr Germane,
We at the Department of Tim Studies are thrilled to receive your proposal. Magiceconomics is a well covered but ever expanding subject and we have no doubt that your course will make sweeping advances in the field.

Thank you, your confidence is as misplaced as ever, but I'll forge on nonetheless.

Indeed, perhaps your research could begin here? It is of course a documented fact that Tim has relations working at the Registry...

A fact that has not been lost on me - but whether he uses his relatives to aid him in direct financial applications or simply through knowledge and good advice is as yet unknown. Entire research teams have been lost while waiting in inexplicably long cues in the registrar, and not a Llama has been in sight at any of these times.

we shall build your new course into our TIMS degree immediately. Students and staff look forward to participation and possible financial reward.

Yes. Reward. Hmmm....

Yours Sincerely
Dr Benjamin Allan, PhD and Bar, the "Love Doctor".

(at least, that's what you told her)

P.S I suggest you cut any ties you may have with the University of Wollongong. It has recently come to my attention that this organisation is in fact nothing more than a front for the SE Asia Child Porn Distribution Network, which is itself just a legal cover for the underground movement of the South American Nazi Llama Fanciers Association, (S.A.N.L.F.A) who seek a world order led by a clone of Hitler's brain. Needless to say, a close association with such unscrupulous individuals casts grave aspersions on one's academic credibility.

As you well know, so-called "Love Doctor", I already have no academic credibility, except in the area of slackness, so your threats are empty and meaningless.

Muahahahahahahhahahahahhhhaaahahahhhjjfkfotkfh ...

Yours,
Gerald "I was the Iceberg" Germane.
(bring it on Leo)

Germane was clearly mad, unable to spell even simple maniacal laughter correctly. Whether he had been, like Wyatt Girl, drawn to SANLFA through the innocent promise of child porn, or in their employ all along, it seemed clear that he was now twisted to their will. Surrounded by distrust and potential enemies on all side, and with TIMS students dropping like flies, Dr Allan decided his only protection lay in open disclosure. He decided to confront Dr House, and sent this e-mail to him, along with copies to the FBI, MI6, NATO, The RSPCA, America's Funniest Home Conspiracy Theories, and the North Canterbury Advertiser:

Subject: J'accuse

Dear Dr House,
It may have come to your attention that allegations have been levelled at you by Mr Wyatt Girl. Wyatt is an extremely able young scholar in the field of TIMS specialising in Slackness. During his Honours year last year Wyatt attended no more than one seminar, and this was only because he stumbled into the lecture theatre in the mistaken belief that it was the cafeteria. I think you will agree that this is an outstanding achievement for such a young man.

It is the because of Wyatt's status as a scholar and because of his upright standing in the community as a long serving member of SEACPDN that I must take these accusations extremely seriously.

Although plagiarism is of course perfectly acceptable, it is preferable to look to more informed sources than the North Canterbury Advertiser, and if indeed on examination your articles seem to resemble ads for the "Furniture Warehouse" then I may be forced to take the matter further. I may add that my initial investigation into the activities of the University of Wollongong has revealed that they present all students with an M.Sc., or Degree in Miscellaneous Subjects, after just 3 weeks study.

Despite this mounting evidence, you yourself can put this sordid matter to rest now however simply by correcting the deliberate mistakes in the following sentence:

The dokter was a wardid a certificate for his considerate haus calls.

You have 3 hours to complete the test.

I hope we can quickly put this behind us and concentrate on the study of Nic and Tim.

Yours Disapprovingly,

Dr Ben Allan, PhD and Bar and 24-Hour Rabbi.

In this message, Dr Allan had clearly taken pains not to reveal his full knowledge of the activities at the University of Wollongong, obviously hoping that this would make him less of a target. The 3 week M.Sc idea was in fact taken from a prospectus issued by the SANLFA Propaganda Division - perhaps only a handful of people in the world, including Dr Allan, and anybody interested in injured koalas, knew that to obtain a SANLFA qualification it was not three weeks hard graft that was required, but just under two dollars. Despite this precaution, the die was cast. Within minutes, almost as if pre-prepared, House's reply had appeared in Allan's inbox:

Subject: Re: J'accuse

Dear Dr Allan,
To speak in my defence....
Mr Girl states that:

I know a bit about Tim.

Well, 'know' eh?? This from a confessed porn distributor? Eh?
Dodgy.

But moving on, my work merely looks like it has come from the North Canterbury Advertiser I am studying part time as a forger, and it interests me to try to copy other organisation's work. - Note the amazing resemblance this letter has to something from Netscape Communicator -

As to Mr Girl's questions regarding the setup of the new NICS department, I point him in the direction of Mr James Caygill, member of the University of Canterbury Programmes Committee, which oversees all new courses, who said of this development, "Bloody good I'll make a point not to bother attending any of these papers". You will note that Mr Caygill is a Board Member of the Board of Studies in NICS, and a guest lecturer to the Honours TIMS programme offered by your department, on issues involving "Tim and the Beast Within, Lectures in Tim's Endeavours with Sport"

The dokter was a wardid a certificate for his considerate haus calls.

To address your concerns I rearrange your sentence thus:

"The doctor has no clear recollection of that event ever occurring, and seeks leave of your honour to return to the Falkland Islands where he will endeavour to keep sheep."

I hope that this satisfies you as to my Academic qualifications and ability to completely evade the question with wild academic ramblings,

Forever yours,

Dr House, PhD, MSc., Winner 1999 Inaugural Nic and Tim Memorial Slack off, Bishop First Church of Christ - Looney.

PS Yourself and Mr Girl is invited to attend the 1st Annual NICS 400 debate being held this Friday at the Haus of Brian. The topic for discussion "Has Nic Spent too much time working and not enough time living the good life?" I hope to see you there.

Despite the platitudes of House, Dr Allan was unconvinced. Attaching his look-alike doll, complete with buttonhole camera, to a new-fangled remote control lawnmower, he sent it along to the conference, only to witness before the transmission went dead an enormous explosion, later ruled by arson investigators to be '…some kind of porcelain doll accident. It was horrible, little burnt hand-sewn 18th century period dresses were spread over a 4-block radius. It was just incredibly lucky that nobody was harmed, apart from this damn-near-sentient lawnmower. Gee, wish I had something like that for my yard work. A crying shame really. Oh well, can't be helped." Dr Allan's suspicions had been completely confirmed. Dr House however, was able to provide a seemingly watertight alibi, as he had been seen at the time of the explosion by several people at the Wollongong Marina inspecting rowboats for sea-worthiness. When asked by police why he was not in Christchurch attending his own conference, his now infamous and oft-quoted reply was: 'Oh, isn't that on Wednesday?'

Academic and go-go dancer Kelly 'Smelly' Alley argues in her widely read paper Oh, Isn't That on Wednesday?: An Analysis of the TBALC / SANLFA Conflict Through the Lens of Time Management, With Tassels On that it was entirely possible that House did in fact think the conference was on Wednesday due to misplacing his palm pilot, and was lucky to escape death in the explosion himself. My recent research though, has uncovered a copy of a cryptic letter from Dr House to an unknown paramour of his, which states among other things:

…Oh darling, your show last night was superb. How do you not fall off that pole? It really is amazing. Anyway, I've talked to Dave down in Fake Credentials and he says we will be able to upgrade your Masters to a Doctorate OK, although we do need to give him an extra 79 cents, and he's also after some kind of 'special favour'. I'm not sure what that might be but I imagine you'll come up with something.

La Paz sent me a memo today, apparently in an effort to get everybody more organised, they're sending all international agents a 'palm pilot'. I think this is some kind of very small man who flies remote controlled planes. I can't see how he will get me more organised though. Perhaps he can fly up and get files on high shelves for me, or something like that. I don't know, that crazy cousin of mine and his genetic manipulation programmes. Still, I'm pretty organised already - everything's already in place for Monday's little 'conference'.

Anyway, I'll see you on Thursday night after aerobics at 7:52pm sharp, and we can talk more about your lack of open-mindedness regarding llamas and the possibilities of…

The letter continues irrelevantly, but what it does indicate is that House clearly had no idea what a palm pilot even was, and that he lived an organised life, unaided by small electronic gadgetry. It makes it clear that 'Oh, isn't that on Wednesday' was nothing but pretence. I may add that Ms. Alley has been seen since publishing in the company of several disreputable llamas, and her impartiality as a researcher must come into question. If this letter had fallen into the hands of police at the time, House may have been arrested and charged. However, it was not to be.

Dr Allan meanwhile, having narrowly escaped death again, was pondering his next move, when this letter arrived on his now titanium-clad bulletproof desk, attached to a brick that was hurled through his window:

Esteemed Sir,

It has come to my attention that you are mistakenly linking an Organisation known as SEACPDN with my Organisation SANLFA. Sir this must cease.

SEACPDN is a vile organisation, and I hope all members and associates of this horrible operation perish forthwith. My organisation however is a valiant and noble group organised for the preservation of Llama in their native eco system and practising their native political organisational forms closely linked to national socialism.

We here at SANLFA request that your disparaging comments about our organisation stop immediately. That you print a retraction, and that you immediately offer entry into your honours programme to my son (I'm expecting him to pass), or to put it bluntly, we'll sue.

Yours Sincerely

Sir Ja M'Ima
President SANLFA (Official Llama organisation of the Millennium)
Candidate for Bolivian Presidency

Finally, with Dr Allan's notification of the authorities, SANLFA had moved into the open. High-level psychological analysis of this historic first communiqué from Ja M'ima is universal in it's acceptance of the fact that this is the letter of a psychotic, almost openly acknowledging as it does that SANLFA was brutally purging itself of SEACPDN members as fast as it could. With the world suddenly aware of its existence, SANLFA had to appear legitimate, and SEACPDN had to be silenced, and fast. In his letter to Dr Allan, M'Ima clearly offers Allan his life in exchange for becoming a SANLFA patsy, a puppet leader who would really be directed by M'Ima's own (real or fake is unknown) son at the department, the veiled threat 'or…we'll sue' clearly a reference to what Dr Allan had already suspected, that most lawyers are in fact highly trained SANLFA assassins.

Rather than submit to this tremendous pressure however, Dr Allan immediately drafted this brave and important letter to one of his would-be murderers, Dr House:

Attention:
Head of Department
Nic Studies
Canterbury University.

Dear Dr House,

I received this (see above) threatening letter yesterday and was wondering if you could shed some light on it, as I know that you have ties to the University of Wollongong, which itself has shadowy links with the S.A.N.L.F.A. Perhaps you could look into it with using some of your old student connections? I would ask someone else, but for some reason I think this jumped-up little fascist beast-herder is a relation of yours. Disturbingly Nic and even Tim may be somehow directly involved. You may remember that we spent our research budget this year funding Dr Johnson's expedition to the Amazon Basin (South America). This expedition has now not been heard from in over 3 weeks.

We are becoming concerned. You may not be aware of what a llama thoroughly indoctrinated with Nazi beliefs can do to a man doctor, but I was in the Congo in '86 and I have seen the horror. Please let me know if you come up with anything as soon as possible.

Yours worriedly,

Dr Ben Allan, PhD and Bar, Purple Heart and winner "Best of the Fest" at the 1986 Congo River Valley All-Comers Apple Pie Bake-Off and Guerrilla Warfare Festival.

Dr Allan in this letter sent a clear message to SANLFA: find yourself another patsy. He knew now that SANLFA would be coming after him, and hoped to determine the fate of the Johnson expedition before the façade of civility disintegrated completely. He lets House know: I've tangled with llamas before. I'll do it again. Bring your game. SANLFA's famous reply, through House, was a prelude to war:

Dear Doctor Allan,

I wish to address all your concerns in this one communication so forgive its length.

Firstly, I am glad to see your lateral thinking in evidence, as your hunch was right. I am indeed a relation of Sir Ja M'Ima, He's my fifth cousin by marriage.

Secondly, I wish to put you straight on a few matters. I do not have, nor ever have had, any connection what so ever with the University of Wollongong. I have never been in correspondence with SEACPDN, and I deplore its existence. I agree with my cousin that you have disparaged SANLFA and should apologise.

Lastly, I have good news. Today I received word from my cousin that he has located the missing expedition. You should move with the times Doctor Allan. It was not Llamas to blame for the expedition's fate, but in fact a rather major case of Slackness on the part of the team itself. Sir M'Ima found the members camped next to a river drinking copious amounts of Coke(TM) and playing Warezed versions of the latest computer games via their satellite uplink. I believe Sir M'Ima believes that Dr Johnson's party fell victim to the ravages of the South Amazonian Tim Tree. At this time of year the party was foolhardy to wander into that area without taking the appropriate precautions of joining TBALC. Sir M'Ima has brought the party out from the jungle, and put them on the first available boat home.

I trust this clears matters up to your satisfaction.

Dr Jamima House
HOD Nic Studies
Telephonist to God
Honorary speaker SANLFA conference
Millennium spokesperson for South American Pygmies

Here House openly declares his allegiance with SANLFA, brazenly denies his already established link to the University of Wollongong, and mocks Dr Allan over the fate of the Johnson expedition, perhaps seeking to buy time, for despite House's assurances, the fate of the Johnson expedition remains unknown to this today. Leaked reports from TBLAC jungle operations behind enemy lines indicate that several battered pith helmets were discovered by an unnamed 7-foot Australian / Off-World TBLAC commando at an unspecified location in Brazil in late 1998, but there are no further clues as to the whereabouts or possible demise of Dr Johnson and his intrepid team. After a week of silence following his receipt of this letter, Dr Allan informed Interpol of most of his findings and suspicions, but when police headed to the Wollongong address he had registered with the TIMS Department at Canterbury, they found only two malnourished wombats living in a medium size cardboard box in a vacant lot that bore signs of a recent demolition. House had flown the coop, after telling neighbours that he was off to '...investigate reports of Nic activity on some certain disputed South American islands for a while.' He remains at large.

Dr Allan, while still knowing little of SANLFA's ultimate aims and ideals, knew that they were both massively evil and evilly massive, and was unsurprised when their agent so easily transcended the bounds of international law. He knew that further measures to stop them would be required…

For TBALC and SANLFA, the pretence had come to an end. Both sides had sounded each other out, and the first chapter of their history, comprised of delicate manipulation, mysterious deaths and political intrigue, was about to escalate into open warfare…

[end of side one, side two to come when Ben does it]

And now... Back to TBALC or on to the ongoing "Grand War of Acronyms".